We had been on a very long and frustrating journey with my son to get him, and us, help. Our fun, funny, athletic, energetic, adorable, and charming son would often tantrum and rage in a way not typical of anything I had seen before. These 40+ minute tantrums were unpredictable and exhausting and seemingly unstoppable. No parenting or discipline technique did anything but escalate him.
As puberty set in, it was getting even harder to manage or predict the meltdowns. We had already been through years of therapy for him, starting at age 4, and we’d begun medication when he was ten, which helped some. We had been through a handful of therapists at this point which resulted in our feeling misunderstood/judged and his gathering multiple diagnoses.
By the time he was thirteen, we had such a combative relationship that I was having a really hard time just *liking* him. He had become mean and critical and was generally unpleasant to be around. We were battling over everything and I was really burnt out. I had no idea how we were going to survive the rest of his adolescence.
Through a series of seemingly small events, and a very dark/scary episode, we were finally sent on the right path. Through our mental health clinic, we got a therapist who said, “it sounds like he has fetal alcohol exposure.” On our first meeting he handed me a stack of information on FASD, and on those pages I saw my son. Finally, I had an answer, but it was not the one I wanted. I was grief-stricken at the realization of what this meant for him and for our lives as a family. I was full of questions, sadness, fear, and grief.
One month later we were in a lovely room in the basement of an old hotel in downtown Portland, where Diane Malbin began her FASCETS training. She poured everything I didn’t know I needed, right into my being. In that room, I grieved and cried as the connections were made. I could now see that two of my other children also had FA/NB as well.
As we moved through the training, the fear and sadness gave way to hope as I could finally see a way to help my son. The NB model made sense to every part of me. I could instantly see the potential in this new way of looking at my child and all people.
We went home and started making changes instantly. At first, we made just small changes but it became easier and easier to think bigger with less fear.
We had already identified the public school as a poor fit, but even the small private school was unwilling to make accommodations for him, so we decided to homeschool. It was not going well, so we stopped…everything. We let him have a computer in his room (with parental controls), let him wake and sleep as he wanted, and just generally left him alone. He went to therapy and his meds appointments but that was pretty much it. He ate in his room and spent all day playing Minecraft and watching videos.
We were doing the exact opposite of everything we were ever taught about good parenting, but I still felt like we were doing the right thing. Over the course of many months, he started to change and soften. His stress levels lowered and he started coming out more. Now we are two years in. He’s still at home, he’s still playing Minecraft and watching videos most of the day, he’s still not really doing school. But here’s what he is doing…he comes to us, just to talk. He engages with his siblings without animosity or annoyance. He helps out around the house when I ask him to, most of the time. He has friends he plays online games with and one real friend from elementary schools that still comes around. He feels like he’s popular. He goes to the gym and works out. He runs errands with me and helps cook occasionally. He goes out into the community with his friend, usually just to walk to the grocery store for donuts. Just the other day he even went to the mall with his friend to buy his dad a birthday gift and also rode the bus! Now when I walk into his room and ask him to bring down his dishes he does it, without fear that I will make a snarky comment about the state of his room.
Since we implemented the NB model in our family he has been crisis-free, with zero major meltdowns. The NB model gave me many things but mostly it gave me the tools, and the opportunity to see my son differently and connect with him. We now have a relationship built on mutual love and a deeper sense of trust. He now trusts me to take the time to understand him. He trusts that I see him and that he matters.
He’s fifteen now, and I have no idea what the future holds for him or for any of us. What I do know is that parenting in this heart/brain-centered way gave me back my son, and that is the most valuable gift I have ever received.