The Oxford definition of paradigm shift is a fundamental change in approach or underlying assumptions. In my parenting journey, I’ve had to make a fundamental paradigm shift in how I see all people. Since discovering that my children have an invisible, physical, brain-based disability called FASD and that it affects 1 in 20 individuals, I’ve had to make many adjustments. The most significant was making the leap from “won’t to can’t.”
When we added to our family through fostering and then adopting I was forced to change how I viewed behavior. Previously behavior had meant something a person does consciously or willfully. It was a reflection of who that person really was. Negative and bad behavior like rudeness, name-calling, screaming, and aggression clearly left me with the impression of “that’s a bad person.” If someone in the world yelled at me or called me names, or destroyed my property I would not stay in a relationship with them. I have very clear boundaries around what is unacceptable behavior towards me.
And yet, I found myself in a very complicated relationship with a child. My child. A child I loved deep into my cells. I love this child with all of my being. And…my child’s behavior towards me felt abusive, clearly and simply. This was not a relationship I would or could leave. This is forever.
But I needed things to change, so I wanted him to change. I wanted to fix him and his behaviors. It felt like he was doing this TO ME, at me, and it was often a struggle just to like him. This was very unlikeable behavior after all.
When I finally came to realize his behaviors were actually a symptom of his brain-based disability and not at all a reflection of who he was or meant to be, I could see him with such compassion. When your brain has a hard time processing information quickly and the world you live in doesn’t understand that everything is harder and fraught with unexpected consequences. Throw in the inability to think abstractly and concepts such as time, money, or cause and effect can be nearly impossible to understand. Literal thinking is very limiting, especially in social interactions. Sarcasm and subtle social cues are extremely abstract concepts. Add to that sensory processing difficulty, memory impairment, and the inability to regulate emotions, life is really hard. When from the outside you look “normal”, people’s expectations often do not match your abilities. You can imagine how all of these challenges would lead to a build-up of anxiety, frustration and anger.
And there is the paradigm shift. When I was able to recognize brain = behaviors I could actually start supporting my child in a way that helped rather than hurt. I just had to change my approach and assumptions. Now when his symptoms flare up I’ve learned to look for the underlying cause, to not take it personally and to STOP FIGHTING. I’ve also learned to go slower, and lower my expectations while focusing on his strengths. I have shifted from thinking “he won’t do something” to understanding he “can’t do something” right now. His brain is often unable to be flexible, but mine is, for the most part. It’s not always easy and it’s made us pretty unconventional parents but his symptoms are greatly reduced.
And this has me thinking about how much bigger this problem really is…Imagine a whole childhood, adolescence, and adulthood believing that you are the problem, rather than you have a problem. How many children and adults with an invisible, physical, brain-based disability have not been identified and provided with supports?
Because of the lack of identification and proper support our correctional and criminal justice system, homeless population, and streets are full of individuals with brains impacted by drugs, alcohol, and trauma. It is estimated that 60% of people with FASD have some involvement with law enforcement in their lifetime. This is not because they are “bad people” and this is what they deserve. They are just living in a world that doesn’t see or understand them.
People with neurobehavioral conditions can and do lead successful and fulfilling lives. When we focus on their strengths and offer accommodations for their disability, just as we would for a physical disability, they can and do, grow into contributing members of society with many gifts and talents to share. There are so many success stories out there. When given the chance people with FASD and other neurobehavioral conditions can meet and even exceed their full potential but it requires an understanding family, school, or community willing to see them and their behaviors differently. When we meet them with compassion and a willingness to accommodate their needs we set them up to succeed rather than fail. And I’ve come to realize when we meet the needs of our most vulnerable populations we all benefit. All it takes is a paradigm shift.